Commercial

I was in my living room awhile ago talking to my ridiculous roommate Grant (who is ridiculous).
The TV was on in the background playing a DVR'd episode of E.R.
We were talking the nonsense we normally talk (namely me chastising Grant for wearing nothing but a bathrobe, and sandwich crumbs).
Suddenly this commercial came on



Hallmark had me from (baby squeal sound).
I had no idea what was being sold, only that I would purchase it.

I'd love to be able to say that I'm not the type to be suckered in by cutesy commercials, but that would absolutely be a lie.
I am Joe "Everday American" Lohman. If it's got a catchy jingle, a baby, or a puppy involved in it then I am on board.

This presents a problem as I move through life trying to have a career in comedy.
Oftentimes comedy is used as a tool to pick apart disagreeable aspects of society.
In the past, famous satirists have become the main voices of revolution, leading their fellow citizens to greener pastures.

What the hell am I going to be the voice of?


Sears?

-nicholas

Beyonce Knowles

So, I just heard Beyonce's new song 'If I Were A Boy.' I then went back and listened to 'Irreplaceable' and 'Ring the Alarm'.

For the love of good god, will somebody please start treating this woman well?

Who the hell keeps cheating on her?!

-nicholas

Dancers

Dancers absolutely 100 percent do it for me.

This has always been true and, barring a dancer stealing from me, this will always be true.
Ever hug a puppy and find yourself wanting to squeeze it much harder than you should?
That's not the way I feel about dancers.
It's similar but not quite right. It's not necessarily a romantic or sexual impulse either.
I would still be wondering what exactly I wanted to do to dancers were it not for this video.



I am forever in debt to this routine because it has helped me clarify exactly what my impulse is towards dancers.

I want to be strapped to them while they dance.

'What?' I hear you say. 'That's weird.'

Fuck you. Think about it.
Really give it a good think.
I'm absolutely right about this.

Watch the video again and imagine you are attached (with duct tape, rope or glue) to the back of the cute blonde girl while she rocks out.

I'm absolutely right.

-nicholas